A beautiful message from a beautiful man.

Oh, and can I steal this?

I'm sorry, I just did.

------>

RIP Iya Day 8.

Self-portrait.


Linggo ng Wika.

Pagkakaibigan. Pagmamahal. Totoo, minsan nga lang sila bata.
I love you, Iya.

Libing.

Inihatid na namin si Iya kanina. Yun na ata ang pinakamahabang lakad ko sa buong buhay ko. Pinipilit ko pa rin na panaginip lang siya. Iniisip ko, dati kapag may nadadaanan akong karo ng patay sa kalye tas tumitigil ako para magmasid, hindi ko alam ang pakiramdam. Ngayong kami na ang tinitignan habang nasa prusisyon, alam ko na. Ang sakit. Ang lungkot. Ang hinayang. Si Ate madalas tuntingin sa taas, sa langit, sa mga ulap. Sabi niya, nagbabakasakali siyang hindi talaga totoo itong ginagawa namin tas matatawa kami kung bakit nasa gitna kami ng kalye bigla-bigla. Ako naalala ko yung mga kalyeng dinadaanan namin ni Iya pag lumalabas kami: bibili ng meryenda, magwiwithdraw sa ATM, lalakad papuntang 7-11.

Huling paalam at nangimi akong halikan si Iya sa pisngi. Baka kasi tumulo yung luha ko sa mukha niya at sabi ng mga matatanda, masama raw yun. Kaya hinalikan ko na lang siya sa dibdib, sa damit niyang prinsesa. Matigas na si Iya. Mapula siya. Rosy cheeks. Tingin namin dahil sa init. Napangiti ako sa pagsang-ayon nang nabanggit ni Ate na bumalik yung itsura ni Iya nung baby siya. Nag-iba yung mukha niya gawa ng sakit. Nung tinitingnan namin yung mga bagong kuhang retrato niya bago namatay, nag-iba yung itsura niya talaga. Napawi ang ngiti. Nahirapan.

Ngayon ko natuklasan ang kakaibang uri ng pagod. Iya, mahal na mahal ka namin. Ingat ka diyan. Namimiss ka naming paalalahanan (Iya, kain na. Iya, magtoothbrush ka na. Iya, huwag kang tatakbo. Iya, tulog na. Iya, huwag kang magbabasa sa dilim.) at wala na ang sigla sa amin ngayong wala ka na. Salamat at nakasama ka namin ng anim na taon. Magkikita pa tayo ni Tito. Yayapusin kita nang mahigpit at bubuhatin nang paikot katulad ng madalas nating gawin. Mahihilo at tatawa.

RIP Iya Day 2.

Iya. Ang dami kong gustong gawin. Sabihin. Ihingi ng tawad. Gusto kitang akapin. Mahigpit. Halikan. Sana nakausap kita bago ka nawala. O nalaman kong malapit ka nang mawala nang gabing pinuntahan kita sa kuwarto mo. Iya, hindi mo alam napakaraming beses mo akong napasaya. Napangiti. Napagaan ang loob. Sana nagawa ko yung tumbasan sa anim na taong kapiling ka namin. Mahal na mahal kita. Ka namin.

Thirty precious seconds of Iya.

Iya.

Iya... Lagi pa rin kitang nararamdaman sa bahay. Tuwing pinupuntahan mo ako sa kuwarto ni Tita para kausapin ako habang nagsusulat, at ikaw naman nilalaro mo si Nene Bear, Tati Bear, at Donald Duck. Nag-uusap tayo nang kung ano-ano lang. At minsan sinusungitan kita kasi wala na naman ako sa mood. At minsan inaakap mo ako sa likod at hindi kita pinapansin. Iya, mahal na mahal kita. Tuwing pumupunta ka sa kuwarto ko para magpaturo sa assignment mo. Sa tuwing lalabas tayo para samahan mo akong magwithdraw at dadaan tayong 7-11 para ilibre kita ng pagkain. Sa tuwing hihingi ka sa akin ng papel para may madrowingan ka at masulatan. Sa tuwing magtatampo ako sa 'yo dahil hindi mo na naman ako sinusunod. Sa tuwing nilalambing mo ako pag-uwi galing trabaho. Sa tuwing maglalaro tayo, at nung minsang ginawan ko ng paraan na payagan kang maligo sa ulan. Sa dalawang beses na dinala kita sa Christmas party ng Alliance. Sa tuwing pinipilit mo akong isama kita sa tuwing maglalakwatsa ako kaso hindi puwede. Iya, miss na miss na kita. Kung alam ko lang na anim na taon lang ang tagal ng ating pagsasama, ginawa ko na sana ang lahat upang mapasaya ka nang lubusan. Iya, kulang ang salita upang maparating ko kung gaano ko nararamdaman ang pagkawala mo. Iya. Namimiss ka na ni Tito Ichard. Balik ka na...

RIP Iya Day 1.

Hindi ko pa rin alam Iya. Hindi ko pa rin alam. Pero sana alam mo mahal na mahal ka namin.

Pagod.

Hay lord. Sa totoo lang nakakapagod na. Kakatawag lang ni Ate. Na-ospital kasi si Iya kahapon, tas ngayon kailangan naman daw ilipat ng ospital at dalhin sa ICU. Encephalitis daw. Hinala ko may bipolar disorder si Iya kaya lagi siyang nagwawala dati. At may kinalaman 'to dito. Mas lumala raw nung dinala na sa ospital. Lagi niyang sambit: "Ayoko na."

Ako rin. Ayoko na.

Pag nasalubong niyo 'ko, bigyan niyo naman ako ng magandang joke. Nakakapanghina.

Guni-guni-ta.

Ang dami kong gustong gawin. Ang dami kong gustong simulan. Ang dami kong gustong tapusin. Ang hirap pala. Ang dami kong kuwento ng mga nangyari nitong nakalipas na buwan pero wala masyadong panahon at gana. Nakakasawa rin pala magkuwento. Minsan kasi pakiramdam mo hindi naman nakakatulong na ikuwento siya. O sadyang wala lang talagang panahon. O hindi mo na siya nakikitaan ng dahilan--ng kahalagahan--para ibahagi sa iba. Umalis ako ng Alliance. Nagkaroon ng bagong trabaho. Na-stroke si Nanay. Nag-birthday ang dalawang pamangkin. Training sa opisina. Bagong proyekto. Hasel sa pagsusulat. Bantay sa ospital. Bantay sa bahay. Pakikiharap sa mga mainitin ang ulo. Away. Sigawan. Pag-unawa. Pagmamahal. Pagbasa. Pakikinig ng bagong kanta. Mga isinisingit na pagsusulat. Pagtulog. Pag-asa. Pag-asa na sana gumaling na si Nanay. Pag-asa na sana wala na siyang panibagong sakit. Pag-asa na sana bumalik na siya sa dati. Pag-asa na wala na masyadong iniisip. Pag-asa na gumaan ang buhay. Pag-asa na tumigil na ang tatay sa paglalasing at pagsusugal. Pag-asa na guminhawa. Pag-asa na matupad ang mga pangarap. Pag-asang makaalis ng bansa at makapagtrabaho sa labas. Pag-asa sa panibagong kapaligiran. Pag-asa sa mga bagong makikilala. Pag-asa na umalwan ang pamumuhay. Pag-asa na makapag-ipon at makabili ng bahay at matupad ang mga pangarap. Pag-asang mahanap ang taong makakasama sa buhay nang matagal-tagal, kahit hindi pang-habambuhay. O teka, may tumatawag.

Handa na raw ang pagkain.

Talagang ang kalandian laging may panahon. Isa siyang necessity. Lahat ata ng pagmamahal ko na nasasayang sa iba napupunta na lang sa 'yo--tas nasasayang din. Lol. O siya.

Paalam muna, bahista ng pagmamahal. Sa Ingles, bassist of love. Sarap mamatay sa kakornihan lolxoxoxo



Winged/Wicked Things - Sunset Rubdown

OMFG.

So Real - Jeff Buckley

Techno Tuesday.

More here.

Happiness - Hurts

For now I refuse.

These days I've been wondering how I can die for a year, or maybe two years, or three. Die and come back. Provisional. That's all I'm asking. A coupon. A ticket to faraway where I'm not alive-alive. A respite from this world. A bloody break. Not a day passes that this dying idea hasn't crossed my mind. Please help me die. I'm so tired.



Send in the Clouds - Silver Jews

White riot.

"It was a fantastic night. You could lose yourself in the noise. Little problems like the fact that you had no money and nowhere to stay dissolved in the sea of chords and sweat and beer and feedback and pounding bodies throwing themselves manically up and down in a distant approximation to the rhythm of the music. Doug had never heard any of these songs before but in the months and years to come they would become his closest friends: "Deny," "London's Burning," Janie Jones." He was transfixed by the sight and sound of Joe Strummer shouting, screaming, singing, howling into the microphone: the hair lank with sweat, the veins on his neck tautened and pulsing with blood. Doug surrendered to the noise and for an hour he pogoed like a madman in the dense, heaving heart of a crowd two hundred or more strong. The heat and the energy were overwhelming. When it was over he stumbled to the bar and jostled for place as the fans clamoured to slake their thirst. He was pushed and shoved and he pushed and shoved back with the best of them and he felt, for the first time that day, wonderfully and unexpectedly at home."

- The Rotter's Club, Jonathan Coe, pp. 171-172



Banned (By The Man) - SSLYBY

Somewhere but here I'm happy.

Aww. Yes. From my dear National.

Radioactive - Kings of Leon

Lynch.

Because as amazing as his movies. . . is his HAIR.

Mad Scientist - Angela Aki

Racing like a pro.

Too many things and too many reasons. And above all these, I am tongue-tied. I don't know how to express them. I don't know how to blog anymore. I don't know how to confess through writing. I miss those days when I just hang out here and talk nonsense, those days when time is a luxury, when time is not greeted with dread, when everything is, well, a waste of time.

I haven't been well. Although I am always reminded how worse other people's situations are, which may suggest emotional comfort, honestly, that doesn't help much. Awareness is just plain recognition.

I'll cut this short by saying please wish my mom well. Wish us well. Wish us love. Wish us kindness. Wish us health. Wish us wealth. Wish us happiness.

Bon courage. With squalor. Be lucky. Stay gold.

I'll be back.




Roses - Cherry Ghost

Never let me go.

Something in it that still unnerves me, that pulls me under and shatters me. The way Ishiguro doesn't want you to cry but you do otherwise, bit by bit, the pages turning themselves, creeping towards the end. I just finished the book and, for a moment, I was drowned in my own tears.

Carey, Keira, Andrew, let's do this. Fox Searchlight, let's do this. Thanks Thor for lending me the book.



Gentleman - Eddy Current Suppression Ring

Hello darkness my old friend.

Because the boyfriend is back and it's a reason to celebrate. It opens with an eleven-minute track and closes with a seventeen-minute epic, sealing the record's place in my jampacked heart.

Days like this I just want to disappear. Sufy, please. Never let me go. xxxxx



Djohariah - Sufjan Stevens

You Have Killed Me: The Pain Playlist (Starring the Jestoni Alarcon of "Huwag Mong Buhayin ang Bangkay")

Dodo tags me, and I can't say no to my dad. Five songs of pain but more like songs with pain, always personal because what's the point of it all otherwise?

On the contrary, I'm in a fine mood lately, seeing smiles in sad songs. A little sidetrack work-wise, hopelessly devoted love-wise. Nevertheless, here I am, afloat. Here go my strokes to reach the shore.

Hang with Me (Robyn) More like a silent kill after an explosive heart-crash, because really, when the refrain kicks in and kicks another and kicks over and over, how can you not be in bloody mess and yet wanting for more? Only Robyn can nail it without trying too hard. And frankly, without trying anything. She just needs to open her mouth and sing like Orpheus.

This Modern Love (Bloc Party) This goes without saying but I am saying it anyway: I bleed every time I hear this. Old wounds taste sweeter, though.

I'm Alright Now (David Ford) My memory is good when it comes to remembering where I was when I first heard the song, and this one here played, of all places, as the Central Terminal train sped fast right in front of me. You know, cinematic, with the wind blowing my hair as my tears fell. But it's schmaltz for good reasons, whatever they were. It's like I cannot sleep for dreaming / This is everything I could have possibly hoped it would be / A lot of stories will end happy ever after / But I swear nothing quite like you and me. Really, I cried over that? Now it's just funny, but then this was salvation.

Too Too Too Fast (Ra Ra Riot) Not pain exactly, but what pain is exact? Rarely does a song get me up just to make me cry. By the time it sings When I look in your eyes, what am I supposed to do? I am left dumb-founded, groping for an answer. The fact that Ra Ra Riot care makes it harder, waiting for our response as they build a bridge so wrenchingly insane I want to spill my guts all over the stage. This is mad, but mad is written all over me.

James (Camera Obscura) No, this belongs in the playlist not because of the title, but I gladly understand if you believe so. Campbell's voice arrests the moment of numbness, when you can still feel the pain but you think it's just grace dressed as pain, or grace clad in rapture. But I'm lying: this one is here because of James. And when I look back and read this and find myself stupid remembering all this gooey feeling, I think that serves the purpose of this list. To wax nostalgic all I like. I'd like to celebrate you, dear / All in all it's been a pretty good year. Not yet, but I surely will.

Tagging whoever but especially Ayn, JB, Megan, Janina, and Thor.


Don't Look At Me - Rooney