Footnote.

*The ego is dead but the ego can still write. The ego, at the moment, is wondering why, when everything starts to feel better after a vacation, a short trip abroad in which he has managed to recover from depression due to the loss of his niece, something would happen to make him feel very low again. Incredible timing, but time is the most merciless enemy. The ego cannot also help but think that all the while when he is on the trip, thinking of his paramour, the paramour is out with someone whom he is starting to fall for--or more appropriately, someone whom he has already fallen for ever since--even if the circumstances are not in their favor. Imagine--the ego is a single man being left for someone committed?--what a bloody way to murder the ego. On the subject of loss, the ego also wonders: why is it that love does not always beget love? Why is it that after all the good things done and given, the ego not expecting so much in return but stability, the ego's paramour still decides to cut ties and walk away, thinking that his disappearance from the ego's life will make it easier for the ego to move on and feel better? Why is it so hard to give back a good deed even if it's not romantic? The ego does things because he likes doing them, not because he wants to be loved back immensely. There are no answers, of course. On the contrary, the ego always deals with questions. The ego's paramour would always say that he is confused and fucked up, yet why is he so sure that he no longer likes the company of the ego, made evident by the paramour's disinterested text messages that are as seldom as shooting stars on an ordinary night? The ego, in fact, was also told that he is being left on account of his often bouts with depression, and the ego's paramour doesn't want someone who will pull him down because he is a downer too (but the ego argues: how about his promiscuity? haven't I accepted that wholeheartedly? haven't I always cared for him, so much in fact that it led to one of our dramatic fights--guess where--in the bathroom? whatever happened to compromise?) The ego also wonders why is it so hard for the ego's paramour to chase him--am I that repulsive? am I that ugly? am I so undeserving of explanation?--and by chase, the ego means being approached, being given the feeling that he is still desired (even if it's a lie on the ego's paramour's mind), the paramour doing the fucking move for Chrissakes. How easy for you! the ego thinks. How easy for you to let go. You can't even fight for the good times. The ego doesn't mind looking pathetic, but dear paramour, why not give him even the slightest grace of feeling his importance, whether sincere or feigned? Why so hard? You don't want him to get hurt? Bullshit. You don't want him to hope for a relationship? Bullshit. Your conscience is killing you? Bullshit. You are afraid to hurt the ego? Bullshit. Why not make the most out of the hurting? The ego was with you through some of your roughest times. Where were you when the ego felt the same way? Didn't you scoff at his suicidal tendencies, thinking "uh oh, this shouldn't be the type of person I should be with. . ." instead of meeting him up and giving him a hug personally? Is that too much to ask? You can't even approach the ego to talk after those two screenings at Shangri-la. You pretend you care about other people's feelings but you only care about yourself, how you don't want to feel bad again, and there you are, while the ego is thinking of you before he falls asleep, you are chatting with some boys past midnight, flirting, asking for advice, telling [paraphrased] “I just want to fuck boyfriends." Superb. Why is it so easy for you to accept your shortcomings yet so difficult to do something about them? Why can't you prove the ego's worth? Or is he really that worthless? Well, the ego accepts defeat. The ego, right at the start, is pathetic. And the ego still wonders if you're doing fine. And the ego's sure that he won't receive any word from you. Don't worry, the ego doesn't take offense. The ego is strong that way. Love does not always beget love, right? Shit happens. And it all goes back to the truth that the ego and the ego's paramour have (or had?) only been dating. Ha ha! Why did you keep that information--that explains everything! Everything! It's the ego's fault for holding on so much! In this world, labels are king. The ego was only a date, so he was treated like a date for several months. End of story. The wordy ego apologizes for being conditional, bows, and dances on his own. His mistake. So long, paramour. Have fun.


Slow Show - The National

First blog never dies.

I guess this is the end of the road for me on this blog. It's been five years. I was a Web content writer for an outsourcing company when I started this. I bawled my eyes out writing personal entries, spilled my guts, built my armor, fainted, shared happy and sad memories. This is my first social networking site on the Internet. I never had Friendster or Multiply or MySpace. I had Facebook for a month before deciding to delete it. I have Twitter. I have two blogs on Wordpress. I recently signed up for Tumblr. But nothing will ever match the time I had here on Blogspot. This was home. Many things happened in those five years. I graduated from college, Iya passed away, Nanay had a stroke and breast cancer, two good relationships ended, people called me "a film critic," I was hired at Alliance and stayed there for three years. . . stories, I had lots of them. Too bad I had to delete most of them. I regretted that, but there's nothing I can do about it now.

Now I work for a Korean company, writing English exams and proofreading essays. I've been here more than a year now. I can't say I like the job but it pays the bills, allows me to watch movies from time to time and buy books and CDs, go on dates sometimes. I still have plans of moving away to find work outside the country. Karen and I agreed to try Singapore since it's near and it's like Makati without the traffic and pollution. Personally, I'm after the music festivals and art exhibitions. Also, the distance. I'm itching to get away from the sadness of Manila. Too many painful things and failed connections.

I am in love with someone recently and it looks like it's going to work, but it also has a semblance of hurt in it (as with any relationships), like my impatience or his indifference is bound to tear us apart soon. I'm giving it time, and lord knows how clingy and mental I am, but there you go. That's part of the package. That's the last straw. Aside from my utter lack of savings, which I can work on eventually, he's the only thing keeping me here. The perils of being insensitive and sensitive at the same time: you want to be chased back.

Probably every nerd's favorite line from a Smiths song goes, And now I know how Joan of Arc felt / Now I know how Joan of Arc felt / As the flames rose to her Roman nose / And her Walkman started to melt, and I feel that way in the last couple of days. I was no longer the non-confrontational Chard I used to be. Now I want things clear, I want to understand, I want to know if I should stay or go. I want to make decisions sooner. I want to know. I feel like dying anytime soon. I feel like a heartbreak waiting to happen. But hell, I don't even have an idea how Joan of Arc felt that time. She might have been happy after all.

I am 23. I feel old but not very wise. I still think being in my 20s suck, and by suck I mean it stinks to high heaven. I hate it. It's stupid but I can't wait to be in my 30s. I'm hoping it'd be better, Don Draper-better (ugh). Everything's going to be fine when I get older, that much I know. Also, I hope I live until 2046. For more hipsterness.

I don't know why I chose this day to say goodbye. But yes, goodbye. The formality of farewells. At least you know when to let go, when to start to move on, and when to lick the wounds. "Signal Fire" is looping on my iPod for more than an hour now and Gary Lightbody sings, I don't wanna wait forever. He's right.

Buryong, I love you more than myself. I will miss you.



Signal Fire - Snow Patrol

Nothing is wrong.

When it hits me that she's gone
I think I'll run for president
Get my face put on the million dollar bill

So when these rich men that she wants
Show her ways they can take care of her
I'll have found a way to be there with her still

When it hits me that she's gone
I think I'll be an astronaut
Make the moon my home and leave the earth behind

So when she steps out into the night
and finds the light that makes her prettiest
she'll be facing me every time she shines

Band of the moment, song that kills me at the moment. Go listen to Dawes's second record and weep.



If I Wanted Someone - Dawes

Fuck me Chester.

It's the year of Adele. 21 has skyrocketed its way to the pop charts, and it's no dirty feat. More than five songs on the album are close to classic, "Rolling in the Deep" definitely one of them, and it's possibly the most covered song of the year so far, from Glee and Nicole Scherzinger to David Cook and John Legend. All nice and pleasant, but the moment I hear Linkin Park's version, or rather, Chester's beautiful voice interpreting it, boy was I jizzing in my pants. Seriously, I could feel my pubic area vibrate. It's one of those rare moments when I realize how beautiful Chester's voice is, as if I needed convincing on this matter, his voice made of gold, so tender, so sexy, so fatally vulnerable. The sparse arrangement helps a lot because it highlights his pitch and wide range. Many times have I seen this and I never get tired staring at his mouth. I think I'd like to live there. Or maybe turn myself into a microphone.


One Step Closer - Linkin Park

Sa hinaharap.

Palagay ko mas nagkakaroon ng posibilidad na magkatotoo ang mga bagay kapag isinulat mo sila, kapag nakikita mo ang katotohanan nila sa papel o kahit sa blog man lang. Kaya eto, mga bagay na dapat gawin at ilang mga plano:

> Ayusin ang CV. Ihanda ang sarili na maghanap ng trabaho sa labas ng bansa.
> Magbasa ng mas marami pang libro. Huwag tamarin sa pagbuklat. Pag-ipunang makabili ng Kindle.
> Huwag masyadong gumastos sa pagkain! Disiplinahin ang sarili sa paggasta ng pera.
> Mag-ehersisyo!
> Huwag magpuyat. Diretso na uwi galing opisina para hindi mapagod at gumastos. Social life mo na ang libro, musika, at pelikula. Solb na yun.
> Tigilan na ang walang kuwentang pag-iilusyon.
> Magtiwala sa sarili. Confidence! Passe na ang pagse-self-deprecate. (I-contradict talaga?)
> Hangga't maaari magsulat. Pero huwag pilitin. Steady lang. Pagtuunan ng pansin ang mga raket sa pagsusulat. Huwag muna mag-blog, puwera na lang dito sa Buryong. Priyoridad ang Buryong! Mas mahalagang manumbalik ang interes mo sa blog na ito.
> Bawasan ang oras na inilalaan sa pagmumuni-muni.
> Gumawa ng kalokohan paminsan-minsan. Pero huwag masyadong masasaktan ha?
> Huwag pabayaan ang sarili. Huwag hayaang mapabayaan ang sarili.
> Magpadala ng mga sorpresang sulat at regalo.
> Bawas-bawasan ang dependence sa Internet!
> Kahit gaano kahirap, mag-ipon.
> Seryosohin muli ang pag-aaral ng Pranses.
> Tapusin na ang "Best OPM songs of the Decade" list




O yun muna. Dadagdagan ko na lang sa susunod.


Don't Get Stuck (Proud Elephants) - Delicate Steve

Pumeperspektiba.

Pakiwari ko dapat tigilan ko na 'to. Hayaan na lang ang mga bagay at huwag piliting magkatotoo. Tutal una, hindi ko rin naman alam kung paano sasabihin. At pangalawa, baka mapahiya lang ako. Nakakainis yung pangalawang dahilan, pero ganun ata talaga. Takot. Walang bayag.

Puyat ako nitong nakalipas na mga araw dahil naisip ko kailangan kong lumabas, sumagap ng hangin bukod sa hangin na nasasagap ko sa bahay. Noong isang araw magkasama kami ni Anton. Inaya niya ako sa tugtugan ng kaibigan niya. Masaya naman. Magkakilala na kami ni Anton mula pa noong kolehiyo, pero sa Alliance lang kami naging malapit. Mahabang kuwento kung paano namin natuklasang magkakilala pala kami dati pa. Isa si Anton sa malalapit kong kaibigan, kahit medyo bihira na kami magkita. Nakuwento ko sa kanya si J-L. Supportive naman ang gago. Sinuportahan ang kagagahan ko. At nanlibre ng pizza. At gusto na rin daw niya mag-resign sa Alliance.

Kagabi naman kasama ko sina Charlotte at Sly. Mahaba-haba ring kuwentuhan. Malungkot lang kasi paalis na sila ng Pinas. Hahanap muli ng bagong lugar na lilipatan, bagong trabahong paglalaanan ng panahon. Nomadic ang atake nila sa buhay. Cool. Halos ka-edad ko lang sila, pero bilang Pranses pakiramdam ko mas matapang sila sa akin. At may mas malawak na ideya tungkol sa buhay. Sana magkita pa kami ulit. Sabi ko nga, "In forty years, magkita tayo sa Angers! Tas pagkuwentuhan natin 'tong mga pinag-usapan natin ngayong gabing 'to." Nakakalungkot pero kahit papaano nabigyan ako ng perspektiba, gaano man kabilis mawala ng linaw.




I'll Be Waiting - Adele

Milkman.

Seven months later, no solid album of the year yet. But for now this will suffice. My fingers cry happily.



Let's Dance the Jet - Deerhoof

Pick two.

From @dilimanista





Shoulda - Jamie Woon

What I’m reading-Wednesday: Amnesia Moon by Jonathan Lethem

I’m halfway through Jonathan Lethem’s Amnesia Moon, the story of which reminds me of Philip K. Dick’s novels (post-apocalyptic themes) and Michel Faber’s Under the Skin (hitchhiking, furry women). This is Lethem’s second book, very youthful and imaginative, a light read but engaging nonetheless. Why hasn’t anyone adapted this into a movie yet?


From Booklat



Too Many Rappers [New Reactionaries Version] - Beastie Boys

Trabaho.

Nakakasuka sa hirap 'tong bagong assignment na binigay sa akin sa opisina. Ewan ko ba. Purol na purol na 'ko. Malapit na mawala ang pakialam ko na maitawid 'to nang maayos at nasa oras. Puwede magbakasyon ng isang taon tas may suweldo pa rin? Pretty pretty please? Gusto ko na ng bagong buhay sige na po.

*

Nagkakatotoo ba talaga kapag madalas hinihiling at iniisip? Puwedeng kami na lang ni J-L? As in mag-e-email siya ng "OK Chard, tayo na. Wala ka nang dapat ipag-alala"? Pretty pretty please?



Abducted - Cults

FU LYF.

Sabi sa "Talking Hotel Arbat Blues" ng Handsome Furs, banda ni Dan Boeckner at Alexei Perry, I don't know but I've been told, every little thing's been bought and sold. Nakakalungkot lang na ideya. Ang sarap umiyak. Kahit saang lugar basta makaiyak lang.



All We Want, Baby, Is Everything - Handsome Furs

Bigo.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit napakaraming hindi magagandang bagay ang nangyayari nitong mga nakalipas na araw. Ang alam ko lang: pagod na ako at gusto ko nang magpakalayo-layo. Gagawan ko 'to ng paraan. Pero dapat muna akong magkaroon ng limpak-limpak na salapi.



Best Thing I Never Had - Beyoncé

Sabado.

Malakas ang loob ko sumubok. Ang ikinakatakot ko ay ang walang mangyari pagkatapos ko sumubok. Ganun naman lagi. Sanay na. Pero masakit pa rin. Dama pa rin. Ilang araw ding iisipin, iiyakan, iisipin ulit. Hangga't tatawanan na lang. Tas magtataka kung bakit naisipan ko pang sumubok, subukan, subukin ang pagkakataon. Pero ayun. Gagawin ko na naman. Kinikilig na naman. Kakabahan. Pag-aaksayahan ng mga araw at gabi kakaisip, pag-aaksayahan ng mga panaginip at pangarap na hindi matutupad, pag-aasakyahan ng mga muni-muni ng mas malayo pa ang nararating kaysa mga sariling paa. Minsan lang ako maghangad ng happy ending. Sana ngayon na yun matupad. Kahit suntok sa buwan.



Give It All Back - Noah and the Whale

Ang Pagbabalik ng Panday.

Panahon na para muling buhayin ang blog na 'to. Kailangan na manumbalik ng dating sigla. Panindigan!



The Edge of Glory - Lady Gaga

Wager.

“You know what I’ve always thought?” she asks in a tone of discovery, and not smiling at me but a point beyond. “I’ve always thought a body would have to be sick and dying before they saw the Lord. And I imagined that when He came it would be like looking at the Baptist window: pretty as colored glass with the sun pouring through, such a shine you don’t know it’s getting dark. And it’s been a comfort: to think of that shine taking away all the spooky feeling. But I’ll wager it never happens. I’ll wager at the very end a body realizes the Lord has already shown Himself. That things as they are”—her hand circles in a gesture that gathers clouds and kites and grass and Queenie pawing earth over her bone—“just what they’ve always seen, was seeing Him. As for me, I could leave the world with today in my eyes.”

- "A Christmas Memory," Truman Capote, p. 176



Lost+ - Coldplay feat. Jay-Z

Fever dreaming.

Jason left the office today. I wrote shit in the farewell letter, but he's actually the best boss I ever had.

Ergo, nomics.