Stop!

It's not really a pressing concern as far as emotional fulfillment is concerned, but a huge source of worry for me these days is I can't stop buying books, bordering on the insanely excessive. I order from Book Depo and Better World Books, then there are Booksale and Fullybooked and National Bookstore and Powerbooks branches, then recently I discovered Blink, an online site that sells used books and carries some interesting titles.

Ugh this whole business of waiting long weeks for payday and then once it comes all I do is splurge on damn paperbacks! Hell! But what can I do  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ huhu I wish I can just control it — or be more disciplined.

There are at least two film festivals coming in November, and I want to catch them, of course, but I need to save up if I am intent on seeing the films. But whenever I think of those books I want to buy and read eventually, that childish satisfaction coming from not only owning things but also possessing them — in fact, living in them — how can I fight the urge?

Ayn told me a few days ago, as we were choosing stuff to order from BWB (on sale!): Buying books is never unwise. Huhu Ayn not helping.

Wednesday.

OK, so almost eight hours later, at the office, stalling as always, I'm feeling better now than earlier. Must be the sleep? Or the sudden downpour on my way to work? Or this anticipation for the next book to read? Ha well, whatever the reason, I hope the feeling stays.



And so I have decided to  clean my desk and drawers! It took me two hours, I don't know why. That's half of my desk in the picture. I still want to post as many postcards as possible on the "wall," but I don't know how to make it look decent and not haphazard. Anyway, maybe when I have more time. Because right now it's still quite busy. Back to work!

Crap.

I've been feeling unusually terrible over the past few days/weeks and I have an idea why, but articulating it only makes me feel worse so there's that. It's neither silly nor childish, it's quite reasonable in fact, but it's useless to dwell on it and I wish I could just make it go away or forget it. Too much drama but hey — human.

There are some issues I'd rather not discuss — ha, what's the point of blogging or writing my thoughts here — but sorry I'm really feeling lazy and putting those thoughts/sentiments into words will just leave a bad aftertaste. But I'm just putting it out there in case I want to look back on some things.

Then there's the usual obsession with a particular person and the sexual frustrations connected with it. Ha, sexual!

It's 4:15 am, I need to be up in a few hours later for work. I just finished a book — my fifth this month, I think — Marias's Bad Nature, Or With Elvis in Mexico. His prose is exhilarating.

Anyway, got to go and sleep.

As always.

I tried sleeping early last night (past midnight) and woke up early today (around 8:30). That's still pretty late for a wake-up, but at least not as bad as the past few weeks when I managed to get out of bed at around 11:30 or 12 and arrive at the office at 2.

Always a slow mover, I got out of the house at 10, walked to the train station, and, thinking it was still too early, dropped by National Bookstore in Glorietta to buy a card for Ate and window-shop. Ha, that pleasure of looking at things and touching them with the hope of having them some time in the future. I even talk and whisper to books I can't buy!

Anyway, it's my favorite NBS branch, and it always has a way of surprising me with new acquisitions. I saw Final Exam, The Melancholy of Resistance, Exercises in Style, What We See When We Read, among other things, as well as great covers of Llosa. HAAA WHERE IS MONEEY

Payday is still more than a week away huhu and I'm crawling towards it.

Goddamn.

So...I'm going to Hong Kong!!!

And for some reason I suddenly felt awful. Ha ha ha. What the fuck, life. I don't really understand you, but please stop these inexplicable bursts of emotion. I'm useless being insane and feeling shit, OK.

Bring back my happy and carefree self!

Indeed.

Tangina. Ang saya ng buhay, laging ganito.

Please Please Me.

Dear office bosses,

Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please make my wish happen. It's my dream to be part of a FIPRESCI jury.

Begging,
Richard

Hindi maiiwasan.

Death anniversary ni Nanay ngayon. Walang makapagpapalimot sa akin ng araw na iyon, ng lahat ng sakit at lungkot. Pero iniisip ko na lang, tulad ng sinasabi ng iba, nasa lugar na siya na walang paghihirap. Wala nga lang kami roon. Miss na miss na kita, Nay. Sobra. Walang araw na lumipas na hindi kita naisip. Ikaw ang pinakamamahal ko sa lahat.

Bryce x Jonny

Tangina, ang ganda!

La La La.

My life right now:

Guess I'm doing fine.

The new Beck record has the answers to almost all my questions these days. It's said to be a companion piece to Sea Change, and I am destined to love it for that reason alone, but I haven't expected that it will make me feel good, that it will comfort me despite its heartbreaking tone. I'm more than happy to carry it around for weeks and months and forever.

Sea of love.

The stress before these pictures happened was immense, but whenever I look at them now and notice how clueless and awkward I was, it feels like my life is just waiting for this moment to come.

Cold feet.

Here's the thing: it's 20 minutes past 1 am, on the 19th of February, more than a day and a half before The National's gig in Manila, and I don't know why I feel this way. Cue: Orient Pearl.

A few weeks ago, while in Samar and Leyte doing field work, I was dying of excitement, texting friends who are going to the concert and bombarding them with lyrics and nonsense, like how this was a dream we had years ago and who would have thought it's about to come true in a matter of days.

When I returned to Manila on Friday, for some reason, I felt a little...unexcited, even unhappy. I just don't understand. And god, I'm 26 and no longer a fucking teen. Dear feelings, why, with all the time in the world, are you messing with me now! I'm supposed to be giddy and high and smiling, but now I'm sulking huhu. I'm not even looking forward to the interview because I have a feeling I'll just fuck things up huhuhu.

Perhaps because it's one of the biggest turning points of my life and I want it to be perfect, and I have a feeling it won't be perfect and something unfavorable will happen and I hate that I can't do something about it.

Last night I dreaded checking the set list in Tokyo but I still ended up checking it and saw that they did only 19 songs, which is 6 songs fewer than their usual full set, and that made me feel really awful huhuhu.

GOD PLEASE MAKE ME FEEL BETTER

TIGHTEN THE SCREWS IN MY HEAD

BRING BACK MY CONFIDENT AND HAPPY SELF

GOD MATT JUST PLAY AT LEAST 25 SONGS PLEASEE

Optimistic.

I'm headed for Tacloban in a few hours and I haven't had any sleep. My flight is at 4:50 am and by the time I reach the airport our team will go straight to Samar.

I'm excited about this project, I have waited years for this, but my god I'm feeling nervous. This will be my first book and it has a deadline, so my emotions are really extreme. I want it to be great. I want it to please me. I want to be proud of it. I don't know what to expect. I don't want to fuck up. I don't want to get distracted. Please please please, lord of all lords, help me write it well. Clear my mind. Let me find the proper words. OK sorry I'm babbling.

Anyway.

Something I'm also excited and nervous about. Feb 20!!!!! God!!! My nerves are killing me!!! I just want everything to be fucking great!! What the fuck is wrong with that!!

Breathe in, breathe out. Be back soon.

Alive.

Hello, I'm still alive. I still have the same feeling, though. Why is it taking so long? I just want things to be better. Come on, come. Give it to me. Make my life better. Make it soon. Soon. Before I turn crazy.