Cold feet.

Here's the thing: it's 20 minutes past 1 am, on the 19th of February, more than a day and a half before The National's gig in Manila, and I don't know why I feel this way. Cue: Orient Pearl.

A few weeks ago, while in Samar and Leyte doing field work, I was dying of excitement, texting friends who are going to the concert and bombarding them with lyrics and nonsense, like how this was a dream we had years ago and who would have thought it's about to come true in a matter of days.

When I returned to Manila on Friday, for some reason, I felt a little...unexcited, even unhappy. I just don't understand. And god, I'm 26 and no longer a fucking teen. Dear feelings, why, with all the time in the world, are you messing with me now! I'm supposed to be giddy and high and smiling, but now I'm sulking huhu. I'm not even looking forward to the interview because I have a feeling I'll just fuck things up huhuhu.

Perhaps because it's one of the biggest turning points of my life and I want it to be perfect, and I have a feeling it won't be perfect and something unfavorable will happen and I hate that I can't do something about it.

Last night I dreaded checking the set list in Tokyo but I still ended up checking it and saw that they did only 19 songs, which is 6 songs fewer than their usual full set, and that made me feel really awful huhuhu.

GOD PLEASE MAKE ME FEEL BETTER

TIGHTEN THE SCREWS IN MY HEAD

BRING BACK MY CONFIDENT AND HAPPY SELF

GOD MATT JUST PLAY AT LEAST 25 SONGS PLEASEE