Wednesday.

OK, so almost eight hours later, at the office, stalling as always, I'm feeling better now than earlier. Must be the sleep? Or the sudden downpour on my way to work? Or this anticipation for the next book to read? Ha well, whatever the reason, I hope the feeling stays.



And so I have decided to  clean my desk and drawers! It took me two hours, I don't know why. That's half of my desk in the picture. I still want to post as many postcards as possible on the "wall," but I don't know how to make it look decent and not haphazard. Anyway, maybe when I have more time. Because right now it's still quite busy. Back to work!

Crap.

I've been feeling unusually terrible over the past few days/weeks and I have an idea why, but articulating it only makes me feel worse so there's that. It's neither silly nor childish, it's quite reasonable in fact, but it's useless to dwell on it and I wish I could just make it go away or forget it. Too much drama but hey — human.

There are some issues I'd rather not discuss — ha, what's the point of blogging or writing my thoughts here — but sorry I'm really feeling lazy and putting those thoughts/sentiments into words will just leave a bad aftertaste. But I'm just putting it out there in case I want to look back on some things.

Then there's the usual obsession with a particular person and the sexual frustrations connected with it. Ha, sexual!

It's 4:15 am, I need to be up in a few hours later for work. I just finished a book — my fifth this month, I think — Marias's Bad Nature, Or With Elvis in Mexico. His prose is exhilarating.

Anyway, got to go and sleep.

As always.

I tried sleeping early last night (past midnight) and woke up early today (around 8:30). That's still pretty late for a wake-up, but at least not as bad as the past few weeks when I managed to get out of bed at around 11:30 or 12 and arrive at the office at 2.

Always a slow mover, I got out of the house at 10, walked to the train station, and, thinking it was still too early, dropped by National Bookstore in Glorietta to buy a card for Ate and window-shop. Ha, that pleasure of looking at things and touching them with the hope of having them some time in the future. I even talk and whisper to books I can't buy!

Anyway, it's my favorite NBS branch, and it always has a way of surprising me with new acquisitions. I saw Final Exam, The Melancholy of Resistance, Exercises in Style, What We See When We Read, among other things, as well as great covers of Llosa. HAAA WHERE IS MONEEY

Payday is still more than a week away huhu and I'm crawling towards it.

Goddamn.

So...I'm going to Hong Kong!!!

And for some reason I suddenly felt awful. Ha ha ha. What the fuck, life. I don't really understand you, but please stop these inexplicable bursts of emotion. I'm useless being insane and feeling shit, OK.

Bring back my happy and carefree self!

Indeed.

Tangina. Ang saya ng buhay, laging ganito.

Please Please Me.

Dear office bosses,

Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please make my wish happen. It's my dream to be part of a FIPRESCI jury.

Begging,
Richard

Hindi maiiwasan.

Death anniversary ni Nanay ngayon. Walang makapagpapalimot sa akin ng araw na iyon, ng lahat ng sakit at lungkot. Pero iniisip ko na lang, tulad ng sinasabi ng iba, nasa lugar na siya na walang paghihirap. Wala nga lang kami roon. Miss na miss na kita, Nay. Sobra. Walang araw na lumipas na hindi kita naisip. Ikaw ang pinakamamahal ko sa lahat.

Bryce x Jonny

Tangina, ang ganda!

La La La.

My life right now:

Guess I'm doing fine.

The new Beck record has the answers to almost all my questions these days. It's said to be a companion piece to Sea Change, and I am destined to love it for that reason alone, but I haven't expected that it will make me feel good, that it will comfort me despite its heartbreaking tone. I'm more than happy to carry it around for weeks and months and forever.

Sea of love.

The stress before these pictures happened was immense, but whenever I look at them now and notice how clueless and awkward I was, it feels like my life is just waiting for this moment to come.

Cold feet.

Here's the thing: it's 20 minutes past 1 am, on the 19th of February, more than a day and a half before The National's gig in Manila, and I don't know why I feel this way. Cue: Orient Pearl.

A few weeks ago, while in Samar and Leyte doing field work, I was dying of excitement, texting friends who are going to the concert and bombarding them with lyrics and nonsense, like how this was a dream we had years ago and who would have thought it's about to come true in a matter of days.

When I returned to Manila on Friday, for some reason, I felt a little...unexcited, even unhappy. I just don't understand. And god, I'm 26 and no longer a fucking teen. Dear feelings, why, with all the time in the world, are you messing with me now! I'm supposed to be giddy and high and smiling, but now I'm sulking huhu. I'm not even looking forward to the interview because I have a feeling I'll just fuck things up huhuhu.

Perhaps because it's one of the biggest turning points of my life and I want it to be perfect, and I have a feeling it won't be perfect and something unfavorable will happen and I hate that I can't do something about it.

Last night I dreaded checking the set list in Tokyo but I still ended up checking it and saw that they did only 19 songs, which is 6 songs fewer than their usual full set, and that made me feel really awful huhuhu.

GOD PLEASE MAKE ME FEEL BETTER

TIGHTEN THE SCREWS IN MY HEAD

BRING BACK MY CONFIDENT AND HAPPY SELF

GOD MATT JUST PLAY AT LEAST 25 SONGS PLEASEE

Optimistic.

I'm headed for Tacloban in a few hours and I haven't had any sleep. My flight is at 4:50 am and by the time I reach the airport our team will go straight to Samar.

I'm excited about this project, I have waited years for this, but my god I'm feeling nervous. This will be my first book and it has a deadline, so my emotions are really extreme. I want it to be great. I want it to please me. I want to be proud of it. I don't know what to expect. I don't want to fuck up. I don't want to get distracted. Please please please, lord of all lords, help me write it well. Clear my mind. Let me find the proper words. OK sorry I'm babbling.

Anyway.

Something I'm also excited and nervous about. Feb 20!!!!! God!!! My nerves are killing me!!! I just want everything to be fucking great!! What the fuck is wrong with that!!

Breathe in, breathe out. Be back soon.

Alive.

Hello, I'm still alive. I still have the same feeling, though. Why is it taking so long? I just want things to be better. Come on, come. Give it to me. Make my life better. Make it soon. Soon. Before I turn crazy.

Cloud Catalog #169.

So last week I had a Trouble Will Find Me listening party, alone and happy, the way it should be:

Listening party in my room. Lights out and I'm the lone participant. Here we go: 'I Should Live In Salt'

— Richard Bolisay (@richardbolisay) May 11, 2013

'Demons' : its gloom still makes me smile

— Richard Bolisay (@richardbolisay) May 11, 2013

'Don't Swallow the Cap' : rumored to have been inspired by Tennessee Williams's death

— Richard Bolisay (@richardbolisay) May 11, 2013

And that line 'And if you want to see me cry, Play Let It Be or Nevermind' is rather funny in a somber way

— Richard Bolisay (@richardbolisay) May 11, 2013

'Fireproof' : the Jennifer song

— Richard Bolisay (@richardbolisay) May 11, 2013

'Sea of Love' : a rush of blood every time i listen to this. Hearing this live would be insane

— Richard Bolisay (@richardbolisay) May 11, 2013

' I see people on the floor, sliding to the sea '

— Richard Bolisay (@richardbolisay) May 11, 2013

'Heavenfaced' : am still figuring out which other National song it sounds like. Anyone? Quite a silly thing to ask, i know

— Richard Bolisay (@richardbolisay) May 11, 2013

Let's go wait out in the fields with the ones we love. And look for astronauts.

— Richard Bolisay (@richardbolisay) May 11, 2013

'This Is The Last Time' : ranks among their best, even stronger than 'Fake Empire'

— Richard Bolisay (@richardbolisay) May 11, 2013

'Graceless' : the 'Bloodbuzz Ohio' of this record, beautiful to infinity

— Richard Bolisay (@richardbolisay) May 11, 2013

' It's the side effects that save us ' still slays me

— Richard Bolisay (@richardbolisay) May 11, 2013

' There's a science to walking through windows without you ' is another slayer

— Richard Bolisay (@richardbolisay) May 11, 2013

'Slipped' : my favorite song here, my 'Runaway,' my 'Slow Show,' my 'Fashion Coat'

— Richard Bolisay (@richardbolisay) May 11, 2013

So I cheated and played 'Slipped' again. No one and nothing complained.

— Richard Bolisay (@richardbolisay) May 11, 2013

' I don't need any help to be breakable, believe me ' - my life in ten words

— Richard Bolisay (@richardbolisay) May 11, 2013

'I Need My Girl' : neither a filler nor a hit, but am happy it exists

— Richard Bolisay (@richardbolisay) May 11, 2013

'Humiliation' : my heart is floating, its effect is dizzying

— Richard Bolisay (@richardbolisay) May 11, 2013

'Pink Rabbits' : the one that asks ' am i the one you think about when you're sitting in your fainting chair drinking pink rabbits '

— Richard Bolisay (@richardbolisay) May 11, 2013

' I was a television version of a person with a broken heart ' - @pitradactyl and I

— Richard Bolisay (@richardbolisay) May 11, 2013

'Hard to Find' : the farewell song. The vanderlyle crybaby cry. Good night, everyone.

— Richard Bolisay (@richardbolisay) May 11, 2013

I had fun, obviously.

Cloud Catalog #168.

So I was on my way to work this morning and since I was having a hard time reading I decided to listen to Trouble Will Find Me instead, an impulse I usually get in the last few days. The jeep finally reached Skyway and "Graceless" was playing and it's one of those "I'm so happy I could die" moments so I texted Petra and Ali: "Trouble Will Find Me on Skyway! I see people on the floor, sliding to the sea!" Not more than five minutes later, one of the wheels got busted and the driver parked it on the side, making me panic. I looked at my phone: 5:36. Oh my god. Nooooo. I ran to the nearest bus stop.

*

I am putting this in writing so I'd be forced to remember: NO MORE EXCESSIVE BUYING OF BOOKS !!!! Save up !!! You never know when a National concert might happen !!! Within the year !!! Or early next !!! Please !!! Make it happen !!! THE NATIONAL CONCERT FOR THE SECOND TIME PLEASE !!!

Cloud Catalog #168.

I want want want want want want this hug.

Cloud Catalog #167.

Do I need a reason for posting this? Another day. Another day with these guys trying to save it.

Cloud Catalog #166.

So this happened yesterday:

Guise inform niyo naman si Rocco Nacino na ako ang soulmate niya

— Richard Bolisay (@richardbolisay) May 13, 2013

And then someone crazy picked it up:

@richardbolisay meet @nacinorocco

— jade francis castro (@castrojade) May 13, 2013

And voilà!

@castrojade @richardbolisay hello.. haha

— Rocco Nacino (@nacinorocco) May 13, 2013

Life can be sweet sometimes.

Cloud Catalog #165.

I wish I could tell you everything, but since I have stopped writing here I feel that putting feelings into words is no longer important, no longer relevant to anyone or to anything even to myself.

But yesterday was something I'd like to recall, or at least look back on because I remember doing the same thing when High Violet was released.

Trouble Will Find Me was leaked two days ago and since my laptop kept crashing I only managed to listen to it yesterday. The first thing I did when I arrived at the office was download it, and fortunately, since doing that was forbidden, I was able to do so without getting reprimanded. So download I did, and funny how the simple act of transferring the tracks to iTunes made me weak, so feeble, frailed by the easiness of the task.

I had work to do that day, a bit heavy in fact, but from time to time I switched to this window. How calming it was, how liberating. I was happy it turned out to be good upon first listen.

And as you can see in that photo, I browsed through some old posts I wrote on The National. I even came across an entry I wrote after I first listened to High Violet. April 2010, a time when Iya and Nanay were still alive. They saw me playing the album in the living room so many times. Mostly on the weekend. They listened to that album, unconsciously, I played it and I knew they heard it. They knew how much I loved it. Now both of them have departed.

That same morning Petra and I were texting each other, gushing, obviously sharing the same feeling. Then she said: 

And it's weird being told this because sometimes, out of vanity and self-centeredness, I feel that it's true.

I listened, listened, and listened. A number of phrases made me tremble:

I have only two emotions Careful fear and dead devotion. I can’t get the balance right. Throw all my marbles in the fire. I see all the ones I wept for All the things I had it in for I won’t cry until I hear 'Cause I was not supposed to be here.

Oh, when I lift you up you feel Like a hundred times yourself I wish everybody knew What's so great about you 

Let’s go wait out in the fields with the ones we love. 

I'm in the city you hated My eyes are falling Counting the clicks with the living dead My eyes are red 

There's a science to walking through windows without you 

Am I the one you think about When you're sitting in your faintin' chair drinking pink rabbits? 

Tunnel vision lights my way Leave a little life today

I listened to it more intently after work. I walked around two bookstores in Alabang Town Center, and I guess I felt so happy that I bought books and realized how I'd poor I'd be in the coming days.

Life is short. Make the most out of it. Embrace its sadness and joy. Its pain and pleasure. Look forward, look back, it doesn't matter. Just live.