Coffee doesn't work any more. I don't get to sleep well, and when I am awake, headaches occur too often. Like right now.
Halos buong araw ko sinusubukang magsulat ng isang blog entry, tapos bigla akong naglaway sa alaala ng kaong. As in KAONG. Ang sarap ng kaong. Puta, kaong. Kaya lumabas ako ng bahay, dumiretso ng Mercury Drug, at bumili ng isang boteng kaong. Nilagay ko muna siya sa ref para lumamig. Tapos lalantakan ko na siya mamaya.
Buhay.
It's funny that when I die, someone would probably look for my name online and this blog would turn up, and he or she would read my entries and realize what a sad life I have led, how "easy" I have resigned myself to the world, as if nothing in life were beautiful, as if I have exhausted all means to make myself happy.
There are days when I feel like falling without really hitting the ground, like all my life I've been on a freefall, and I'm just waiting for the moment when I'd crash into the pavement and see myself in bloody pieces.
I've been tired. Very tired.
May mga gabi na mababaliw na lang ako dahil maagang uuwi ang ate ko at mainit ang ulo niya, magagalit sa lahat ng bagay na makikita, sisigaw, magbibitiw ng masasakit na salita, at malulungkot ako tuwing mapapakinggan ko yun, malulungkot kasi wala akong magagawa dahil kasalanan din naman namin, pero maiinis din ako kasi pare-pareho lang naman kaming pagod at tamad, mas masipag nga lang siya, at hinihintay ko na lang na kumalma siya pero matagal siya kumalma, marami muna siyang sasabihin, at mararamdaman ko na nakakapagod na lang mabuhay, na punung-puno ng problema ang mundo, na wala nang solusyon ang lahat, na hindi na bubuti ang kalagayan namin, na wala nang punto magpatuloy pa, pero maya-maya tatahimik si Ate, manonood ng TV na parang walang nangyari, at gugustuhin kong magpahinga at kalimutan na lang ang lahat pero may kailangan pa ring tapusin.
There are days when I imagine that my mother would have done other things aside from being a housewife, like, perhaps, working for a cafeteria--every time I buy food at the NIGS canteen I think of this--or perhaps she'd be selling siomai at one of those LRT stations, and I'd be visiting her there, buying as many siomai as I could, helping her earn, sharing them with her, waiting for her to pack up the stall so we could go home together after a stressful day. I would have wanted her to experience many things, stuff that I felt she's too scared to do. If I had enough money I would have taken her anywhere she wanted, places I knew we'd be happy to go. She's a great cook like most mothers, but it saddens me that I wasn't able to bring her to the best restaurants around. There's nothing I could do now but long for things we weren't able to do, things I wasn't able to provide for her.
