Dumating na si Santa Sufjan.

Siguro minsan ayos din ang naniniwala sa mga senyales. Sa mga palatandaan. Kahit papaano nagkakaroon ka ng direksyon, napipilitan kang may paniwalaan. Kahit papaano may pasya ka na.

Nakakahiya akong pagmasdan nung natanggap ko yung regalo ng paghihiwalay. Tipong umiiyak ako sa puwesto ko at tinatanong ng mga estudyanteng nagsasauli ng libro kung anong problema. Sabi ko, Wala, teka lang. Sabay labas ng kuwarto. Alam ni Chynna yun; siya ang duty nang Sabadong yun. Iyak ako nang iyak, hanggang hapon, habang nakasakay ako sa LRT, habang nagsesepilyo, habang kumakain, na tipong nalalasahan ko na yung luha ko, habang nakahiga ako bago matulog. Matagal bago ko yun nagawang ilabas ng aparador at isabit.

Pero ang bagong regalo'y tila kabaligtaran ng nauna. Sumisigaw ako habang binubuksan. Nakatingin yung nanay ko sa akin, gustong malaman kung anong itinitili ko. CD lang naman pala! sabi niya. Hindi ko alam kung alam ng nanay ko ang pakiramdam ng pagbubukas ng regalo, lalo na't hindi uso sa bahay namin ang rega-regalo. Wala kaming ganung konsepto, at kung kilala mo ako alam mo na hindi ako pala-regalo. Regalo ko na yung pakikipag-usap at pang-aaliw ng mga tao, tanggapin man ng kausap ko o hindi. At isa pa, naghinanakit ako dati sa nanay ko, kasi nung natanggap ko yung admission letter ko sa UP, bukas na! UPCAT! Kaya hindi ko na-experience yung saya ng pagbubukas ng isang makapal at matambok na UPCAT letter. Anyway. Mahal ko yung nanay ko.

Higit pa sa regalo kung bakit ako masaya. May mga bagay lang na napatunayan kong dapat nang talikuran nang hindi nasasaktan. Sabi nga ni Harper Simon, there are more wishes than stars.

More wishes than stars.

Salamat sa 'yo at alam mong mahal kita.


Ha Ha - Harper Simon

Ang tae pala hindi lang sa riles ng tren binabato.

Nabuhusan ako ng tubig kagabi habang naglalakad sa EDSA. Galing sa bus yung tubig. Wala lang. Ang lakas ng trip. Pag nakapolo ako madalas akong malasin.

Ok na sana kung ako lang yung nabasa e, kaso pati yung dalawang librong dala ko.

Pukingina niya lang. Di niya alam kaya ko siyang patayin sa isip ko. Kiningina niya. Kiningining.


1901 - Phoenix

Water under the bridge.

What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky What would I want? Sky


On A Highway - Animal Collective

Aalis ka na nga lang.

Hindi ko pa rin nasabi. Kung kasing-landi ko lang naman ba si Mandy, e 'di sana happy ending. Kahit basted kahit papaano may sagot. Hindi yung nag-eksam ako tapos hindi man lang ako sumubok manghula. Baka nakatsamba pa. 'Bale.



One Day Like This - Elbow

Gra(z,c)e.

Only when she realized that some of her fingers had strayed between her legs, searching blindly for what was no longer to be found there, did she come back to her senses and rinse herself with businesslike efficiency.

(Faber, Under the Skin)


What Would I Want? Sky - Animal Collective

Still----my favorite WKW scene. Ever, maybe.

From Here We Go Sublime - The Field

Ang kuwento ng nadukutan sa MRT. At ang hindi pag-abot sa pelikula ni Ray Gibraltar.

Nagmamadali ako para makaabot sa pelikula ni Ray Gibraltar. Umalis ako nang maaga sa opisina kahit late ako dumating kaninang umaga. Pakapalan lang ng mukha. Sumabit ako sa dyip para makasakay kaagad ng tren papuntang Cubao. Pero trapik talaga. Trapik nang matindi. Habang nagpapalipas ng inip, naalala ko yung sinabi ni Dodo, Pelikula lang yan. Kapag may tumawag sa aking chicks sa cellphone habang nanonood, ba't hindi ko magagawang iwanan?

Pagtapak ko ng tren ay nasa tainga ko pa rin ang iPod ko. Ang kaso ng MRT, mawawalan ka ng dangal oras na sumakay ka ganitong uwian ng mga empleyado. At kung mawawalan na rin lang ako ng dangal, mabuti nang hindi ko na nahahalata. Mabuti nang may pinapakinggan. Tutal, MRT naman 'to, hindi kalye. Pero yun ang akala ko.

Unang dating ng tren, nakasakay na 'ko kaagad. Dahil siksikan ay naitulak ako papasok. Nakatalikod ako sa pintuan na matagal bago nagsara. Maraming nagpupumilit makapasok, maraming nakaharang na tao kaya hindi magawang sumara ng pares ng pintuan. Nang sumara, may sumigaw na mama, Wala bang nadukutan diyan! Hindi tanong. Sigurado. Kumapa ako sa bulsa. Ako yun.

Pero nang mga oras na yun, wala talaga akong maramdaman na kahit ano. Wala. Kahit. Ano. Ni hindi ko magawang aminin na ako ang nadukutan. Ni hindi ko magawang magkaroon ng pakialam kahit alam kong wala na akong naririnig na kanta sa tainga ko. Pero isang segundo lang yun, isang segundo ng pagiging inutil. Kinalabog ko yung pinto, bumukas, at hinabol ang mandurukot. Sunod ko na lang na nalaman, inaabot na ng isang lalaki ang iPod ko, sinasapak ng mama yung mandurukot na kinalaunan ay nakatakas, at kinukuwelyuhan na ang tanging mandurukot na nahuli. Sabi sa 'kin kailangan ko raw sumama sa presinto.

Kinalimutan ko nang makakaabot ako sa pelikula ni Ray Gibraltar.

Sanay na ako sa presinto. Napakarami ko ng presintong napuntahan. Sabi ko nga, may magnet ako sa mga holdaper at mandurukot. Kaya hindi na rin ako nabigla sa sarili ko na hindi ko inindang nadukutan na naman ako. Para siyang 13th month pay, dumadating minsan sa isang taon. Way of life. At napatunayan ko ring malas talaga ako sa trese. Nang tingnan ko yung kantang tumutugtog noong naholdap ako: Track #13 - Slow Life, Grizzly Bear (with Victoria Legrand) Hanep. Nangongolekta siguro ako ng karanasan, at ang bago, MRT.

Marami na ring natutok sa akin: baril, kutsilyo, balisong, icepick, bolpen, at hindi ko lang siguro namalayan, kamao lang pala na mariing nakabaon sa tagiliran ko. Sanay na ako sa presinto. At sanay na rin ako sa mga pulis. Nang balyahin nung guwardiya yung mandurukot, hindi na rin ako napangiwi. Nang kuwelyuhan siya ng pulis, hindi na yun bago sa paningin ko. At kung anuman ang gawin nila sa kanya pag dala sa kanya sa kulungan, madali ko nang nabubuo sa isip ko.

Hindi totoong presinto kundi isang maliit lang na sulok sa estasyon ang pinagdalhan sa amin, kasama nung mamang nag-abot sa akin ng iPod ko. Kuwento, kuwento. Kuha ng pangalan. ID. Tirahan. Edad. Nang sabihin ng pulis na kailangan kong dumalo ng hearing at kung ano-ano pang shit pag tinuloy ko yung paghabla, na wala naman akong balak gawin sa totoo lang, siya na rin ang nagsabing maaabala lang ako nang matindi. Naatraso na nga ako sa lakad ko ngayon, sabi niya. Ayos. Areglo. Ayaw pa rin aminin ni Kuya na siya ang nandukot sa 'kin. Tahimik lang ako kasi nakakapagod at nakakawala ng lakas kapag napurnada ka sa lakad mo at muntikan ka nang mawalan ng gamit at makikita mong may mga taong kailangan talaga sumalbahe sa 'yo para mabuhay. Okay na yun. Kinamayan ko yung pulis. Kinamayan ko yung guwardiya. Kinamayan ko yung mandurukot.

Sabi ng pulis, Sinisigurado raw niya sa akin na sila na raw ang bahala sa mandurukot. Sabi ko, Kung anuman yun, gaangan niyo ng kaunti, kasi hindi ako ganun kalakas sumuntok. Pagsakay ko ng tren, naisip ko na walang pelikula ang makakasagip sa akin ngayon kahit anong pagmamahal ang mayroon ako para sa kanila.

Inside the Cinema / Museums / Overflow - Culture Reject

The Filmmaker.

California On My Mind - Wild Light

Sana puwede na lang iubo lahat ng bagay.

Too Too Too Fast - Ra Ra Riot

Can you hear the horses?

'Cause here they come.

Water - Karate

Hangover.

There is always something about a John Hughes ending that makes me cower in my seat because I know I'm about to cry, and the people around me might look and think I'm a wimp, but as it turns out they are in my company, and they won't choose to look around because they're too busy being consumed by their own affection towards the film, so the theater becomes a sea of lonely hearts that only a song from Duckie, a closeup of Andie or a smile from Blane can save - - but given a choice, please, lord, make it a smile from Blane.


Dinner Bells - Wolf Parade

Jay Ryan's posters are some kind of wonderful.

Some of Jay Ryan's posters for concerts and films, as well as album covers and other things, could be seen here. I could hear Barney scream "Awesome!" a lot of times.


Docteur Jekyll et Monsieur Hyde - Serge Gainsbourg et Brigitte Bardot

Take me here, let's park and let's talk.

It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) - R.E.M.

I want TSUGI!

I used Air's Biological in my first experimental film. My prof and my friends liked it. And I started to stay in touch with these French nerds since then.


Surfing on a Rocket - Air

Mas gusto ko pang tinutuktukan na lang ng kaldero para magising.

Hindi ko na 'to kaya. Gusto ko na mag-amok! Magrereklamo na ako sa barangay! Pero dito muna sa blog. Ganito kasi, araw-araw na lang nagigising ako sa tugtog ng kapitbahay namin. Alam mo yung mga kapitbahay niyong akala mo may pabrika ng speaker. Magpapatugtog nang malakas umagang-umaga! At ang kanta, takte, wasak na wasak. I Finally Found Someone! Tangena! Kasumpa-sumpa. Pinipilit ko pang matulog pero hindi, hindi na puwede! Hindi ka na makakatulog pag narinig mo na ang, THIZ IZ ITTTT.. OOOOOOHH.. I FIN'LLY FOOOUUUND SOMEOONE. At limang umaga na 'tong sunod-sunod. Walang galang. Walang dangal. Walang modo sa mga tulad kong walang someone at gusto lang naman makatulog nang matagal-tagal. At ang sunod na kanta sa playlist ng kapitbahay: Trisha Yearwood, HOW DO I LIVE. How do I live, really!! Morning suicide.


Pagan Poetry - Bjork

Sufjan Stevens Spread.*

*Megan and I want our coffee with Sufjan Stevens Spread every morning.


Paint It Black - The Feelies

First blog never dies.

So it was a bluff. Leaving Buryong. Haha. Actually I feel that I am the only person who took that promise seriously. I really intended not to go back here, not to post anything (not to write is inappropriate because I don't really write anything recently) and not to step into this home again. Yeah, like moving out of your parents' house 'cause you felt you are steady enough to support yourself. Apparently it didn't work out for me.

Buryong is my home, my first home in the cyberspace, and I guess what makes it special for me is that I can do anything here without being bothered, without thinking whether what I wrote was too personal, or without hesitating to post anything. Like one's home! I can do anything here. I don't feel the need to look at other people's statuses, read their complaints, browse through their favorite links and videos. On the other hand, I don't really think other people are going here and reading my posts either! See, it's a win-win situation!

I have nothing against social networking---hello, I have two blogs, Twitter and Facebook accounts, two fake Multiply usernames---but social networking is just bad for my health. Really bad. You just don't know how I act after logging out of my Facebook. Of course I know I don't have to read everything but sorry I just don't know how to do it. I'm impulsive. When the impulse gets into me I can't stop and there goes a whole day (or sometimes a whole week) in the wastebasket. Even when I'm at home I still can't shake off that urge to open accounts. Haaaa, the curse of these things. I laugh when I remember that time when I pointed out to a friend who kept on encouraging me to create a Facebook account that Social Networking, ironically, is not about being social. It's about Yourself selling You. It's Self-Networking. There I was, ideal but stupid as always. Months after, I fell into the tempting trap.

Blogging is still a way of socializing, but unlike Facebook, it is less dynamic and it has less features, which means LESS CLUTTER. Too many waste in the world, and there's probably more of them in the Internet. Oh wait, I take that back. There is a universe of clutter in the Internet. Smokey Mountain magnified gazillion times! What Sufjan said about the excess in our culture and the availability of so much is true, and I am bothered because I am contributing to that. And some people feel that having an excess is always better than having less, not minding the fact that the bulk of the excess is clutter, of useless junk. Okay, self-righteous me will not shut up.

So I tried deactivating the account. And this message showed up. ______ will miss you. _______ will miss you. ________ miss you. Join me, Seth and Amy, Realllyyyy??!!? That's not even half-true. I'm sure of it. These people will just think you are some grumpy retard who is too self-centered you can't take things as simple as this. But I am the most tolerant person I know! I can stand ugly films, noisy music, badly-written books. I can stand seeing a snuff film. I can stand watching a Rocco Siffredi porn even when it comes to that point when he is in this habit of pissing into a girl's mouth. I know, I am horrible! But nastiness is relatively easy to tolerate for me than social networking crap. Oh, I can't stand religious debates too and Saksi ni Jehovahs asking for a minute, which when you convert to your own minute is equivalent to an hour, because hell, they live in a different time zone!

Okay, thank you for that hug. I'm fine, I'm fine. Really, I'm more than glad to be here! At least I'm keeping my clutter, not reminding everyone about it (unless they visit here, which takes an effort, which means they really love me hehe). Though I'm still not over with Facebook, I am thinking of letting it die through natural means. I still post pictures and links. But I'm trying not to. Trying, trying. That's the only thing I'm good at.

Anyway, to lighten things up, let me share one of my favorite songs, Out There by Blake Babies. The video is a classic too! I love you Juliana Hatfield!



You have a voice, you have a phone,
But you're usually alone.
You know it's stupid.
I have a body and a brain,
But I turn them off again... again.
I know it's stupid.

The 90s had loved me enough and I wish I had loved it back as good.

But here's the new principle I am following, cliché but hell, I am doing it: I should make myself happy in whatever I'm doing. Impossible, but I am tryinggg. As I said, that's the only thing I'm good at - - - T-R-Y-I-N-G. Not hedonist-happy but happy-happy. Though I remember one evening, I brought up hedonism to a friend and he kinda gave me a sinful stare. But between pain and pleasure, why should I pick pain while I'm still in it? I am easily pleased, and I think I deserve it. Let's move on, and be happy! Too many people dying, and when my time comes I hope regret is the last thing on my mind.


Digital Love - Daft Punk

Ah, the horror of it, James.

THE INTERNET
from James Murphy's MySpace

the internet is funny. i avoided all of it for a long time because it seemed gross and lame. i mean, i fought with my label not to have a myspace page at all in the beginning because, well, because i'm old and weird and buy vinyl records and do things like write letters, and it all seemed too strange. so they made one anyway, and i avoided it.

when i came back from the last tour, i found something insane like 13,000 messages in the lcd inbox (after wrangling the access passwords and crap from capitol) and felt pretty badly that there was so much personal mail from people that went totally unanswered, then set out to answer as much of it as i could without giving up my life completely, and did.

anyway, i've noticed lately that almost all my myspace messages come from other things promoting themselves, and less and less from people reaching out, so it's less interesting, for sure. but then i found out that the label had started a facebook (and, of all things, "twitter") account "on my behalf", and i grabbed the access to them, as well. i mean, if people are going to think stuff is coming from you, then it might as well be coming from you, you know? so there.

this is still the better place to write these longer things, for sure, but i noticed that the facebook page is more idiotic and hilarious. twitter... well, i don't quite get it.

anyway, i'm making a record, as previously blathered about, and this means that my horrible, useless website is getting redone by my friend sonya. i mean, it sucks, which was my choice. i was like "can this look more horrible?" i wish i was kidding, but i happen to like crap. i just do. but she's promised to work with me to make sure it's still unwieldy and awkward, which is good preparation for everything else lcdish, and i promise to be less grumpy about things actually being “useful”. it’s just that things that are too “useful”... well, i don’t entirely trust them. i kind of like useless things. for instance—and this is a pretty facile and simplified metaphor here—art is useless, and nazis made lots of useful things. i like dumb meandering things that make me happy and confused, and don’t particularly like “effective marketing tools designed for maximum accurate data capture” blah blah blah. it all sounds so sad and functional. i don’t like the idea of people sitting in a room talking about the best way to word things to get the right reaction from a base of “users” etc. i don’t like thinking that those people used to love to do something, or wanted to be something, and would up measuring the best way to manipulate other people. i honestly don’t judge them, but i feel weird, and sort of sad—not FOR them, in a pitying way, as i have no idea how they fell, for fuck’s sake, and i’m a ridiculous person by the measure of a pretty deep cut of the population—but ABOUT them.

anyway, marcus (shit robot), my friend and dfa artist, is coming over to have an espresso and a shot of tequila (not mixed) before he goes to santos to dj with the holy ghost guys. marcus has a kid, which i think is totally amazing. he’s a great dj and here to get his album done with me. lives in germany now, so just visiting. and here, on this weird thing, i can just say “marcus is coming over for an espresso” and it goes from simple, personal fact that i might tell nick from holy ghost in a text (in fact, just did) to a weird other-meaning thing that exists here... or everywhere. i’m not so used to this personal as media shit. but, on the other hand, what’s the difference really between this and a song about something personal?

oh, right. you can’t sing a blog.



Kiss and Make Up - Blake Babies

Wonderfalls!

Watching the only season of Wonderfalls! Sabi ng Ate ko mukha raw poste si Lee Pace. Haha. Piemaker and Aaron Tyler! Rhyme! May balat siya sa puwet no? Laging nakakansel yung show e. Kahit maganda. Kahit sobrang ganda.


The Rat - The Walkmen

We are hedonists, and loneliness is only something we laugh about, like dog poop or a monkey wearing two tuxedos, and we will live that way forever.

I won the Fire Extinguisher award once again, and here I pose beside my favorite painting, as if there is no other painting in the workplace I can pose beside with, with the heavy fire extinguisher tuck into my arms and without the guards noting my behavior on their blotter and reporting it to Anna Wintour.



23 - Blonde Redhead