Footnote.

*The ego is dead but the ego can still write. The ego, at the moment, is wondering why, when everything starts to feel better after a vacation, a short trip abroad in which he has managed to recover from depression due to the loss of his niece, something would happen to make him feel very low again. Incredible timing, but time is the most merciless enemy. The ego cannot also help but think that all the while when he is on the trip, thinking of his paramour, the paramour is out with someone whom he is starting to fall for--or more appropriately, someone whom he has already fallen for ever since--even if the circumstances are not in their favor. Imagine--the ego is a single man being left for someone committed?--what a bloody way to murder the ego. On the subject of loss, the ego also wonders: why is it that love does not always beget love? Why is it that after all the good things done and given, the ego not expecting so much in return but stability, the ego's paramour still decides to cut ties and walk away, thinking that his disappearance from the ego's life will make it easier for the ego to move on and feel better? Why is it so hard to give back a good deed even if it's not romantic? The ego does things because he likes doing them, not because he wants to be loved back immensely. There are no answers, of course. On the contrary, the ego always deals with questions. The ego's paramour would always say that he is confused and fucked up, yet why is he so sure that he no longer likes the company of the ego, made evident by the paramour's disinterested text messages that are as seldom as shooting stars on an ordinary night? The ego, in fact, was also told that he is being left on account of his often bouts with depression, and the ego's paramour doesn't want someone who will pull him down because he is a downer too (but the ego argues: how about his promiscuity? haven't I accepted that wholeheartedly? haven't I always cared for him, so much in fact that it led to one of our dramatic fights--guess where--in the bathroom? whatever happened to compromise?) The ego also wonders why is it so hard for the ego's paramour to chase him--am I that repulsive? am I that ugly? am I so undeserving of explanation?--and by chase, the ego means being approached, being given the feeling that he is still desired (even if it's a lie on the ego's paramour's mind), the paramour doing the fucking move for Chrissakes. How easy for you! the ego thinks. How easy for you to let go. You can't even fight for the good times. The ego doesn't mind looking pathetic, but dear paramour, why not give him even the slightest grace of feeling his importance, whether sincere or feigned? Why so hard? You don't want him to get hurt? Bullshit. You don't want him to hope for a relationship? Bullshit. Your conscience is killing you? Bullshit. You are afraid to hurt the ego? Bullshit. Why not make the most out of the hurting? The ego was with you through some of your roughest times. Where were you when the ego felt the same way? Didn't you scoff at his suicidal tendencies, thinking "uh oh, this shouldn't be the type of person I should be with. . ." instead of meeting him up and giving him a hug personally? Is that too much to ask? You can't even approach the ego to talk after those two screenings at Shangri-la. You pretend you care about other people's feelings but you only care about yourself, how you don't want to feel bad again, and there you are, while the ego is thinking of you before he falls asleep, you are chatting with some boys past midnight, flirting, asking for advice, telling [paraphrased] “I just want to fuck boyfriends." Superb. Why is it so easy for you to accept your shortcomings yet so difficult to do something about them? Why can't you prove the ego's worth? Or is he really that worthless? Well, the ego accepts defeat. The ego, right at the start, is pathetic. And the ego still wonders if you're doing fine. And the ego's sure that he won't receive any word from you. Don't worry, the ego doesn't take offense. The ego is strong that way. Love does not always beget love, right? Shit happens. And it all goes back to the truth that the ego and the ego's paramour have (or had?) only been dating. Ha ha! Why did you keep that information--that explains everything! Everything! It's the ego's fault for holding on so much! In this world, labels are king. The ego was only a date, so he was treated like a date for several months. End of story. The wordy ego apologizes for being conditional, bows, and dances on his own. His mistake. So long, paramour. Have fun.


Slow Show - The National