First blog never dies.

I guess this is the end of the road for me on this blog. It's been five years. I was a Web content writer for an outsourcing company when I started this. I bawled my eyes out writing personal entries, spilled my guts, built my armor, fainted, shared happy and sad memories. This is my first social networking site on the Internet. I never had Friendster or Multiply or MySpace. I had Facebook for a month before deciding to delete it. I have Twitter. I have two blogs on Wordpress. I recently signed up for Tumblr. But nothing will ever match the time I had here on Blogspot. This was home. Many things happened in those five years. I graduated from college, Iya passed away, Nanay had a stroke and breast cancer, two good relationships ended, people called me "a film critic," I was hired at Alliance and stayed there for three years. . . stories, I had lots of them. Too bad I had to delete most of them. I regretted that, but there's nothing I can do about it now.

Now I work for a Korean company, writing English exams and proofreading essays. I've been here more than a year now. I can't say I like the job but it pays the bills, allows me to watch movies from time to time and buy books and CDs, go on dates sometimes. I still have plans of moving away to find work outside the country. Karen and I agreed to try Singapore since it's near and it's like Makati without the traffic and pollution. Personally, I'm after the music festivals and art exhibitions. Also, the distance. I'm itching to get away from the sadness of Manila. Too many painful things and failed connections.

I am in love with someone recently and it looks like it's going to work, but it also has a semblance of hurt in it (as with any relationships), like my impatience or his indifference is bound to tear us apart soon. I'm giving it time, and lord knows how clingy and mental I am, but there you go. That's part of the package. That's the last straw. Aside from my utter lack of savings, which I can work on eventually, he's the only thing keeping me here. The perils of being insensitive and sensitive at the same time: you want to be chased back.

Probably every nerd's favorite line from a Smiths song goes, And now I know how Joan of Arc felt / Now I know how Joan of Arc felt / As the flames rose to her Roman nose / And her Walkman started to melt, and I feel that way in the last couple of days. I was no longer the non-confrontational Chard I used to be. Now I want things clear, I want to understand, I want to know if I should stay or go. I want to make decisions sooner. I want to know. I feel like dying anytime soon. I feel like a heartbreak waiting to happen. But hell, I don't even have an idea how Joan of Arc felt that time. She might have been happy after all.

I am 23. I feel old but not very wise. I still think being in my 20s suck, and by suck I mean it stinks to high heaven. I hate it. It's stupid but I can't wait to be in my 30s. I'm hoping it'd be better, Don Draper-better (ugh). Everything's going to be fine when I get older, that much I know. Also, I hope I live until 2046. For more hipsterness.

I don't know why I chose this day to say goodbye. But yes, goodbye. The formality of farewells. At least you know when to let go, when to start to move on, and when to lick the wounds. "Signal Fire" is looping on my iPod for more than an hour now and Gary Lightbody sings, I don't wanna wait forever. He's right.

Buryong, I love you more than myself. I will miss you.



Signal Fire - Snow Patrol